“He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.” Ephesians 2:17-18

It’s not abnormal to be restless. In fact, if we are talking about humanity in it’s basic state, it’s normal to be stressed. I even stress myself out about being stressed because shouldn’t I not be stressed? After all, shouldn’t I be at peace? Should these things really bother me?

The truth is it doesn’t matter if these things “should” or “shouldn’t” bother me…they either just do or they don’t! My circumstances and the ensuing emotions don’t pay attention to my expectations…they just happen.

And so when I came across Ephesians 2:17 today, something hit me. Jesus preached peace. In fact He is called the Prince of Peace. He is true peace. He is wholeness. And all that I am not…He is.

Most of us strive so hard to be a peaceful. We want God’s peace. And yet the more we strive, often, the less calm we become. It can be stressful trying to live less stressed! Not only stressful, but impossible if we try to do it on our own.

If we truly want to experience peace we have to stop trying to dig it out from under all our baggage, because that’s not where it exists. True peace can only be accessed through Him.

Peace is a fruit of the Spirit. A manifestation of God’s presence. It’s not about what we can do.

Can we make decisions that might lead to peace? Yes! Can we be mindful of our anxious negative thoughts and alter them? Yes! But all of these efforts will only be temporary bandages if we don’t connect our heart, soul, and mind up to the peacemaker. The Holy One. The ultimate peace pipeline that never runs dry. He is our one true peace.

As 1 Peter 3:11 says, “They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it.”

We must seek and pursue it. What do we pursue? Jesus. The Prince of Peace. Without Him we are stuck with our normal stressed out humanity. Restless.

And so, it is indeed normal to be restless. But you my child are not normal. No daughter of the King filled with the Spirit of The Lord can be normal. She is blessed, lifted up from her stress, and given grace and mercy. Hidden in Him, yet lifted up as as a display of His splendor.

He came as peace, to be peace, and speak peace. Seek that peace sweet sister and you will never be normal again.

“You warned them in order to turn them back to your law, but they became arrogant and disobeyed your commands. They sinned against your ordinances, of which you said, ‘The person who obeys them will live by them.’ Stubbornly they turned their backs on you, became stiff-necked and refused to listen.” Nehemiah 9:29

I always think of Israel as some obstinate defiant people of the past. People I have nothing in common with other than serving the same God. It’s been my assumption that the Israelites didn’t really care about or want to do the right thing. That they were deliberately defiant towards God’s direction and will, and because of this, they struggled.

But what if they didn’t do it on purpose? What if they were like me and wanted to do good…yet they found themselves falling down and failing over and over again. I think this could be the case.

The Israelites saw The Lord part the Red Sea. The Lord led them out of captivity and provided for their every need while they wandered in the desert…and yet they wanted more.

They became frustrated with God. They grew tired of waiting and began to lack confidence in Him. They could not see Him, and out of emotional desperation and prideful arrogance, they built a golden calf.

It sounds so silly. That a people who had seen such miracles could doubt The Lord. Or does it?

I’ve seen some pretty substantial miracles in my lifetime. Most personal to me, when The Lord lifted me out of depression.

None the less, at times, I still doubt Him. I still wander in the desert wondering if He will provide.

The most pronounced struggle in my life right now has to do with food! I’m starting to empathize with the Israelites as every time a slice of pizza or a sugary treat enters my line of vision, I can’t resist! I might as well erect an idol to these unhealthy inappropriate foods and worship them!

And it’s not that there is anything wrong with these foods. They aren’t the problem. It’s my attitude towards them that is the problem.

It’s the fact that I have 28 pounds to lose, not to be skinny, but to be healthy, and I can’t resist the things that are leading to my deterioration.

It’s the fact that I would hide if I could and shove these foods in my mouth until Jesus comes back, maybe even longer!

It’s the fact that I can’t seem to turn myself from these foods and take care of my body like The Lord desires for me to do.

I am worshiping them and the way they make me feel with no long term thoughts or cares about the consequences. I am worshiping the golden pizza. And that my friends, is a problem.

So what do I do then? What did the Israelites do? The way I see it, I have two options. I can continue to bow at the feet of my cravings. Or I can choose to bow only at the foot of the cross.

It may seem silly to spiritualize this battle with food, but when we take it to the core, the battle is very spiritual. It’s about so much more than food. It’s about, as Lysa Terkeurst wrote in Made To Crave, craving God-not food. It’s about satisfying my desires with Him rather than a donut. It’s about celebrating my victories in new ways other than with food. It’s about choosing to swallow my pride and get real with God about the sins that are depriving me of much desired intimacy. For me, my food addiction is about so much more than food. And maybe it is for you too.

So rather than being stiff necked and backing myself out of the blessings The Lord has for me, I will choose to turn from my idol and run to Him. Every time I’m tempted I am going to visualize myself bowing down to the gigantic golden unhealthy food, and rather than bow to my cravings, I will turn and bow to Jesus.

Will I make mistakes? Most likely yes. But each time I choose to glorify God with my body and healthy choices, the food idol falls away a bit more, and God chisels my mind-body-and spirit to be the woman He has called me to be.

And he said:“The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer” 2 Samuel 22:2

The things I say carry power over my heart and mind. Speak good things and good things are what I will see. Shift my focus to the bad things and I will become lifeless and depressed.

And so in our minds we set up a claim. Either a claim to the throne of grace or a claim that denies its power. We can either claim the truth of forgiveness or overlook what the Lord has done on the cross and claim our own guilt and shame.

And yet the deliverer stands ready to redeem us, calling us by our name.

Will we take his hand?

He waits to be our everything. My everything. Your everything.

I don’t want to make Him wait any longer. I will chose to accept His deliverance. The deliverance that is given is given in totality. Suffient for all and everything I will ever need. And as His grace flows through, the sting of death let’s go and all we can see is a beautiful claim of what the Lord has done.

The rock. The redeemer.

And she says,

He is my Lord. My safe place, the one who carries me off to safety. My deliverer.

If you don’t have all the wisdom needed for this journey, then all you have to do is ask God for it; and God will grant all that you need. He gives lavishly and never scolds you for asking. The key is that your request be anchored by your single-minded commitment to God. Those who depend only on their own judgment are like those lost on the seas, carried away by any wave or picked up by any wind. Those adrift on their own wisdom shouldn’t assume the Lord will rescue them or bring them anything. James 1:5-7 The Voice Translation

Wisdom often goes unappreciated. A close second to personal desire, but second none the less. We would rather be content with fulfilling the immediate needy plead of our hearts, than to seek a wise decision that might not provide such immediate satisfaction.

I have jumped into a decision many times without stopping to think about or consult the Lord for His wisdom. And yet His Word tells me that if I would just ask, He would give it to me.

I love what the book of James says: that we ask for wisdom, but the key is that our request be anchored in our single-minded commitment to God.

All too often I ask for wisdom, but what I’m really seeking is confirmation from God that what I want is okay with Him.

Rather than seeking His wisdom I am seeking His approval. And don’t get me wrong, His approval is a very good thing, but I want to go to Him with a mind open to endless possibilities. I want to offer myself in a humble place of complete surrender so I can hear what He has to speak to my heart.

What if there is something He wants to show me that wasn’t even on my radar? If I am looking for confirmation I might miss the blessing He has waiting for me. But if I am seeking His wisdom, plain and free of selfish motives, my ears are opened.

And just as I don’t want to presume upon the Lord to confirm the decisions I have already made, neither do I want to presume upon Him to take me out of dangerous situations and protect me from fires that I have lit myself.

It’s like texting while driving, and then expecting the Lord to protect me despite my gross irresponsibility. Perhaps He will protect me, but when I make decisions that are not wise, even something as seemingly unspiritual as texting and driving, I cannot expect Him to protect me. I hope He does. But He might allow me to experience the consequences of my irresponsible actions.

And so I want to seek Him on my decisions. Not just for confirmation but for wisdom. And I want to know He will rescue me. Because when I am in His will and dependent fully upon Him for wisdom, I will endure trials, but as a result my faith will blossom and grow. He will not allow the waves to wash over me or the fire to burn me.

And so if you are in a difficult time, and you don’t understand what is going on…you feel like your life is out of control and you need wisdom…ask the Lord. But ask with a spirit that is willing to stomach what He has to say. Leave your options open and surrender your heart in obedience to His Words and truth. Don’t let yourself get caught in a selfish decision trap that leaves you swimming without a lifeguard. And if you find yourself there, it’s never too late. Repent and seek His wisdom. The beauty of the Lord is that He is the God of second chances. When we mess up we are forgiven and can try again…and again.

Seek Him first…and you can more than assume He will have blessings in mind…even in the darkness.

“Jesus has been found worthy of greater honor than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honor than the house itself. For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything” Hebrews 3:3-4

I am cold this morning. Chilled to the bone. Afraid of what will become of me and what will become of my children. It’s not always easy being a mom. Sometimes circumstances get the best of us and we feel overwhelmed at the weight and encouraging responsibility of it all.

Sometimes we feel the need to turn to the Son as last resort. In desperate pleading of our cause.

Lord please help me to move past unbelief. I cannot see what is in front of me, but I’m trusting you for the difference. The spaces I can’t see will be filled by you and the things I don’t understand can be unbound in your presence.

And so I sit undone at the foot of the cross. Anxiously awaiting my time and explanations. To understand it all that I may move forward. Stuck in a landing of pride and arrogance still touching and holding onto this will of myself undone and unbound.

And the liberties of this life are far from freedom. The healer can take us where we need to go but before we receive the healing we must first be willing to cross the Red Sea.

And not by my might, but yours Lord, will the waters part. And yet I must be willing to slam my staff down with confidence into the ground before me. And ask for what only is my row to hoe. My garden to toil in. My sea to cross.

And the staff slams down, the waters part, and here is where the real toiling begins.

To part the waters is one thing. An act of confidence and trust in The Lord. To walk past the impending waves into freedom is quite another. And sometimes we get to the other side only to realize freedom has not yet been found. We have more wandering to do. Wandering with provision. But wandering none the less.

And so The Lord gives and takes away. He provides healing in the midst of bondage and freedom where no ending seems possible. His hands are torn from a battle hard fought but easily won.

The victory that is His can too be ours if we are willing to seek the healer beyond the healing. Even if he doesn’t heal us in the ways we might have thought about or imagined, we seek Him above all else. Even in the shame of what can feel like a prayer unanswered by unsystematic grace.

His love is pressure cooked and exploding with enough for me. Even if I don’t understand all the pain or circumstances. Neither did Moses. But Jesus does. And I will choose to seek the art if the healer beyond and above the healing.

Photo credit: http://society6.com/PocketFuel/Hebrews-317_Print

God seems silent lately. I’ve felt alone. I spent the last week doing home visits to places that no one should have to call home. I have prayed. I have gotten on my knees before The Lord and yet the silence stands still.

I try to have brave hands and keep working. I try to understand why we must endure this or that. The greater good of it all that lies just beyond my grasp of understanding.

And I haven’t felt up to writing, and so in my silent times with The Lord I have rather soaked up His rest. Mindful of my own depravity and resting in the grace.

My heart departs to lonely places seeking an inviting refuge of solace. And yet the pace will not let me and I am drawn into one more situation where I feel hopeless, lonely, and afraid.

And it’s not that I am helpless or hopeless. I am not. But my heart empathizes so deeply that I can’t help but feel sucked deeply into the pain I witness. Hearts are broken and I break myself again at the foot of the cross exhausted by the weight of so many hearts in continued pain. And so He gently reminds me this is not mine to carry. Even in this, with Him, peace remains.

Meditating on this verse throughout the week has brought my heart understanding…

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Romans 5:1-2

I am amazed that we have access to the throne room of grace. A place where we can safely stand and present our hearts, so deeply cleansed we need not fear judgement. We can stand by faith amidst His hope and glory even though our hearts may feel alone. Peace comes when we remember this. We are with Him. He is with us. That is our constant, unchanging, beautiful existence. Nothing is carried on our own.

I’m far from perfection. Miles away from adequacy. The glory and mercy of God is my only hope. But I must choose to depend on it rather than throwing my hands up in frustrated hopelessness. God’s justification is the ground where I stand. And my loneliness is a feeling rather than a manifestation of guilt and shame. Push through…and the light of the Son will shine on my face again. I will see Him and the purpose of a difficult week. So Lord here I stand, with You, hands open and ready for Your teaching.

“We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,” 2 Corinthians 1:8a-10

Shame. Intensity. The flood of emotions that can overtake a hurting heart and mind. It seems as if it will never stop. As if today, as if this moment, will never end.

It beckons and breaks a heart to be still no longer and rather seek refuge in scandalous acts of self deprecation motivated by emotions and escapism. It seems the only thing that could cut deep enough is flesh ripped open to start over again. A fresh start with fresh blood leaning upon the notion that once the cut, the wound, is opened…we can start again.

No longer at peace with ourselves, this desire to seek refuge in self-inflicted pain squelches out grace and peace, and seems to grasp at something far beyond our recognition. Unwilling to seek refuge in anything other than our own destruction, self-hatred breathes its lies into the hole of our hearts.

Although I have never used a knife to wound myself, years ago I would use my words and thoughts to slice my soul to shreds. Believing the lies that I was worthless and filled with self loathing, I wanted nothing more than to disappear. Or at least to make my emotions disappear. I couldn’t bear handling them one more day, one more second, one more hour.

I have great empathy for anyone struggling with mental illness. I have been there myself and am aware that all too easily I could fall into depression again. These types of illnesses are hallmarked by an intensity of emotions that cannot be fully understood unless you have felt them yourself. I remember wanting to and looking as if I wanted to crawl out of my body, filled with shame and hurt, and into a safe place…no matter what that meant. So many women I talk with who have attempted suicide did not want to die, they just want the pain to stop. And that is why I think the verses listed above from 2 Corinthians are so powerful.

Paul states not that he was possibly facing death, but rather he felt as if He was already sentenced to die. A man alive, walking dead. Nothing to me is more descriptive of living with overwhelming emotions than that of walking through life as if you are already dead, defeated, a helpless victim of the waves that would come on you as you fall deeper and deeper until you act out and drown. And as Christians we ask for what? Why must I be so miserable…

I feel Paul would say, “But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.”

So you consider death to be an appealing option. Or perhaps you are the dead walking. The world may have given up on you. You may have given up on yourself. You cannot save yourself, nor can someone else, these things are correct. But you can choose to access the One who can. God. The One and Only powerful enough to raise the dead. He has shown His deliverance powers before, and He will show them again.

If this is you today, if you are in this difficult place…I do not have a one stop shop cure for you. I do not promise you instant healing by simply reciting a verse, using some theoretical technique, or waving a magic wand. What I do want to tell you is not to give up. The cure for the broken heart is hope. Hope that is willing to step out in confident expectation that something better lies on the other side. You may need counseling, you may need medication, you may need a mentor, and a Bible Study, and hours of face-time on the floor with Jesus – my healing necessitated all of these and more. Is it work? Yes! Will it be difficult at times? Yes! Will it be worth it? YES!!!

The biggest lie Satan can sell you is that you are worthless and beyond help…that there is no hope and healing on the other side. He may have shrouded your eyes in such darkness that even the slightest bit of light burns or seems impossible to obtain. But please don’t give up sweet sister or brother. Seek out only the healing He has for you. Only the healing He can offer. He is still in the business of raising from the dead.

Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor. James 4:8-10 NLT

Cornbread muffins are delightful. Delightful that is until you realize they are 5 weight watchers points apiece. But did that stop me? No! I ate not one, not two, but three cornbread muffins last night. And then I sat there feeling guilty. In that moment a had a choice – let the guilt consume me, or figure out what motivated my lapse in self-control. I thought for awhile, and then it hit me, self-pity.

I felt sorry for myself. Other people get to enjoy cornbread muffins, so why can’t I? I will eat all the cornbread muffins I want! It’s not fair that I have to watch my weight so closely. I’m just going to eat until I am happy. And I did, and then I felt bad…bad…bad.

I’ve learned a few things about what to do when I feel bad. Sometimes I distract myself. Maybe I go for a workout or spend some time playing games with my kids. These are good distractions. They are healthy. But I have also learned that there are genuine times and reasons for downright grief filled sorrow. And during those times, there is no need to distract myself, I need to accept it – feel it – and learn from it.

While I didn’t stop to feel sorrowful over my muffins, I have learned to feel sorrowful over other things. The thing about a tearful deep grieving process is that these kinds of emotions can be deep motivators for change. The grieving James is speaking of in the verses above is grief over sin. I can’t say that I have or should sit in deep grief over every sin every day, but there was a period of my life where God let me experience great depression so that I might choose to come out of sin.

Now we have to be careful with depression, because many times depression can also be biological, as was mine. In fact, I still take medication for anxiety and depression. But I would be cheating myself if I didn’t acknowledge that the sin patterns I had chosen played a great deal into my feelings of sorrow and self-hatred. I was lying to my husband, I wasn’t taking care of my family and putting them first, I didn’t spend time with the Lord daily or even weekly, and I made shady choices like accepting employment cocktail waitressing at a bar.

And the Lord loved me…

Enough in fact to bring me to my knees begging for Him to take me home to heaven so I could abandon all this baggage on earth…

And although the Lord didn’t take me to heaven, and I am so grateful He didn’t, He did show me how to abandon my baggage while here on earth. He taught me how to grieve my sin, repent, and move forward.

Negative emotions aren’t always there just so we can escape from them, they are present as indicators that something might need to change. If we use those emotions as indicators rather than trying to run from them, God will use them to draw us in closer to Him. And while feeling ourselves through the sin grief process we must be careful not to fall victim to self-pity. Maybe everybody else does what you are trying to stop doing – and they get away with it! And that’s okay! Why? Because you are not everybody else!

You are a daughter of the King and He has drawn you to a higher calling…a higher freedom…freedom from the bondage of sin. He has called you to blessing.

Proverbs 10:22 says, “The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow with it.” NLT

The grieving of sin lasts only a season. So rather than feeling sorry for ourselves, let us use these moments to motivate us forward into the blessings. To the blessings that are free of sorrow…blessings that come when we choose to follow His will and way.

The God of Heaven~Shaddia

Our shelter and rest.

A place to dwell and find protection from danger.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1

Part of my job is helping teens seek shelter. Teens that can’t stay in their parents homes. Maybe the parents passed away, or the teen chooses to leave, other times they are abandoning parent’s ways of drugs and violence in hopes of a better life. Countless reasons to seek shelter from the storm. To get away from it all. And yet a shelter is never where they want to stay.

It looks cold and stark. It’s not their space. It is a borrowed plot of safety offering protection and little more until they can make it on their own. I wish I could take them home, but I can’t. They face danger and strongholds I can hardly imagine. Yet I watch them conquer day in and day out. A privilege many people don’t have. I have the best view in the world. Their strength inspires me. Hearing the word “shelter” as an 18-year-old girl would have chilled me to the bone. I would have been terrified. But somehow they muscle through. Perhaps when it is the only option…your viewpoint changes.

I suppose as an adult it would be the humility of it all. Having to swallow my pride and admit that life had finally risen beyond the brims of my capabilities. Vanity, self-confidence, conceit shattered.

And what if the very same fears we have of earthly ”shelters” also keep us from seeking the true everlasting shelter…

Pride, shattered vanity, conceit, unfamiliarity, uncertainty…

Oh yes Lord, I want your shelter, but please don’t make it evident. I don’t want anyone to know I am staying here. Can’t we just make it look like I could handle things on my own? We will keep these prayers and silent sorrows just between us. I would rather plaster on this mask of a smile than for anyone to know I can’t handle it on my own.

It seems like seeking shelter with God would be an honor but I smolder, even at times with anger, over my fragile humanity….as if living a life dependent on him is somehow something I never desired to do.

And a heart shattered, knee bent soul says,  ”I want to dwell with you Lord.”

Arrogant flesh declares, “You are so weak. You are unstable. Why can’t you do this on your own. You are a failure.”

God of Heaven, Commander of the Angel Armies, how could You even invite me to dwell with you? My cold hard heart swims away. But yet I call again, and You still reply. What kind of love is this? The love a Father has for His daughters and sons. Shelter in the Most High. Amidst the God of the Heavens. Yes, I will seek shelter with You and will not be ashamed of my address. My once temporary safe spot now made a permanent dwelling. Infiltrate my heart and mind so less of me becomes more of You. In You alone God…that will be my only shelter…my only trust. My hope found. My stable place, the only place I will stand.

I have dreams. Crazy wild dreams. Dreams many would say are impossible. But not with God. Nothing is impossible.

I once heard someone say that if you give something away, people won’t value it. That a free gift can’t possibly be worth something. For a moment I ascribed to this theory until I realized the greater truth. A free gift can be worth something depending on the heart of the giver. If the giver only values giving something away to get it off their hands, well then yes it likely isn’t worth much. If the giver gives with confidence and haste it leads us to question their motives, as true giving often requires sacrifice. But if a giver gives hesitantly but without reproach, willing to sacrifice something of great value to help someone else, well then the gift is worth much and freedom indeed can come attached to such gift.

Such is the gift of the cross. Given freely, the greatest gift of all. The salvation of humanity. A free gift can indeed be worth something depending on the heart of the giver.

I want to give away counseling in my hometown. Sound Biblical theory based Christian counseling to those who cannot afford it. Not that I do not want an investment from them. I do. But I want to offer the option of paying whatever they can pay. Whatever their current circumstances will allow. Which may be different from week to week, and I am okay with that.

I am okay with that but my bank account is not. It says I need a steady paycheck and in order to keep the lights on in my own home I should require more of said people, as a service valuable is worth charging for. And on so many points I agree, yet my heart disagrees. I can’t stand to see one more victim of human trafficking or domestic violence or sexual abuse writhe in pain because she cannot afford to pay a therapist. A gift I want to offer her is the gift of freedom through Him, offered freely indeed.

And so the lines of counseling and religion and freedom become blurred and yet in certain cases I think this is good. Theories get you far and are vastly useful when dealing with mental health issues but there is only one heart freedom setter. If The Lord sets you free you shall be free indeed. That’s my Jesus.

And so Lord willing I place my feet where he would have me go. Darkness lies before me as I cannot see the path he has planned, but I do know one thing. One small verse filled with gigantic truth. I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses. Joshua 1:3.

Every place I set my foot has been pre-ordained by Him as preparation for the next phase of living. For His ministry. For His will. He knows the logistics. The wheres and the whens. My job is as simple as this. Daily obedience, and being still enough to listen. Having ears that are open and available to the promptings of His Word. My freedom based counseling center may or may not come to fruition but I believe God has His hand in it. And in His time, I will see His will done.

And maybe you are a dreamer too. And though the ground you walk on seems unsteady at best, it is God who makes the ground manageable. Who blesses each and every step your feet take in His will. And as we trust His timing and seek Him in the midst of waiting and misunderstanding, He will lead us to the fruit if it all. The promised Holy land. On earth and in heaven. His will is and will be done. May we seek it Lord, and may every place we set our feet be promised to You indeed.