If you’re married, it’s practically inevitable. A wee bit, or a long bit, of time in the bedroom with your husband on Valentine’s Day is good! But for some of you…and I realize this may be a minority audience today…nothing causes you more anxiety than intimacy with the man you love. Why? Because in your past you were sexually abused or assaulted, and sex just isn’t fun for you anymore.
Our marriage didn’t start out this way. I had sex regularly with my husband, and it seemed as if all was well. What he didn’t know was that I completely dissociated. Dissociation is like mentally and emotionally leaving your body anytime you feel uncomfortable. I could be with my husband physically, but my mind and emotions shut off. My body was an empty shell and my mind floated away in need of escape.
It wasn’t that my husband had ever, or would ever, hurt me. Sex was just unsafe for me – period. I had been raped in the past, and out of protection, my mind and heart decided it was better disconnect anytime sex happened. That way I would never risk getting hurt again, and I would remain in control.
When I started going to counseling, things changed. You might think they changed for the better. Eventually, they did. But before they got better, it got worse. I began processing through the emotions and feelings and actually choosing to remember what happened when I was raped. I could see, smell, and hear everything that happened. It was 10 years prior, and yet it seemed like yesterday. Intimacy with my husband now left me in tears and feeling violated. He had done nothing wrong and yet I wept. For the better part of a year things played out this way. And then slowly, with my mental and emotional healing in tandem, it got better. Way better.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that the tears were good. They were the first steps to connecting on an emotional level during sex. Not the appropriate emotional level at that point, but the groundwork was being paved for a deeper connection between me and my husband. It took time, but now I am actually present more than physically and have experienced what true intimacy really is!
If you have a past involving sexual abuse or assault, I want to encourage you. First of all, intimacy issues are common. But that doesn’t meant they have to continue. I would encourage to seek counseling so that you can process through your past if you haven’t already done so. Also, you will want to talk to your husband about what is going on. Once I explained things to my husband, he was so understanding. I even provided him with some reading materials about sexual abuse and assault so that he could grasp a further understanding of what I was dealing with. Also, you may want to practice physical displays of love other than sex. For example, decide that you will give your husband a kiss every day when he comes home from work. Snuggle with him when you are watching TV. Over time, you will become more comfortable with physical touch, and your mind will begin to make the transition that your husband is safe, and it is okay to get physical with him without engaging in dissociation or panic.
Finally, don’t shame and guilt yourself. It takes time to heal! Given your past…it’s okay to not be okay! But as my pastor has always said, you don’t want to stay that way! Individual counseling was essential for me. Followed by marriage counseling for me and my husband. God has done way more than I could have ever asked or imagined with our marriage, and He can and will do so with yours as well! Blessings to you sweet sister and praying that you enjoy a fabulous Valentine’s Day with your sweetheart.
There isn’t room for me to respond to this, but this healing comes best in with a loving and caring mate. All women don’t have that, but you always have God and He will always love you and understand your pain
Yes, sweet sister, you are right… I know so many amazing women who still struggle with healing and who may not have found or find that earthly relationship that helps bring the healing. But you are so right! God is always there and is the One and Only true healer! Thank you for your caring comments.
Thanks for speaking on this uncomfortable subject! I got married 2 years ago and divorced 1 year ago. We dated for 3 years prior to marriage and remained pure. We are in our 40′s and I’ve been married before but we wanted to go into our marriage with a holy bond. Months after getting married, the abuse from my past started really making me uncomfortable and intimacy was horrible. I did start counseling and learned how to not feel dirty or shameful with him. Unfortunately, he left anyway. He had his own set of issues as well but I’ve remained in counseling and I’m so happy to read your encouragement. It’s speak volumes to me and I know that one day….I’ll be able to see sex and intimacy the way that God intended. Thank you!!
Oh Shawna, I am sorry about what happened both with your past and with this relationship. Your strength and love for the Lord is so evident in your comment. Thank you for being a blessing to me and all of those around you. Praying with you sweet sister.
Thank you for this message, …..it all makes sense your words and your thoughts….it is nice to know that what you might be feeling isn’t wrong and those healing tears are a step in the right direction. Thinking there is something wrong with me doesn’t encourage that healing it only hinders it. Understanding those feelings help me to process them. The emotional prison I built intended for the ones that wronged me has turned into a place for myself to live instead of them The mind is a powerful thing and I am learning that sometimes I need to trick myself in an attempt to escape my own prison. Changing those thought patterns takes time and practice and lots more. I needed to ask myself sometimes hourly is love worth the risk? My answer has been yes and as long as that willingness stays open it will happen in Gods time!
It does take time to change these patterns Lisa, but you are right…love is worth the risk when it is with the Lord, always. So good to know we are not alone in our struggles huh? Love you girl!
Thank you my heavemly Father and thank you Stephanie, I have been looking and searching on the net, and in book stores on info how to deal with this exact issuse, but in a Godly manner. I been coming empty handed as to how to deal with happen to me in the past. I got married two years ago and been struggling with intimacy with my hubsand and still am. Our marriage is in fustrations because of my lack of intimacy towards my husband. I have all these emotions swarming in my head and feeling at times I have no choice but to fulfill my wifey duties. There is so much I need to ask and need to know badly and if there is any way I can send you email privately, I would really appreciate it . I don’t have the funds for counseling for myself, which I know would help greatly, and I am desperate to talk to someone who knows what I am feeling and going through right now. Thank you for your honesty and inspiration, God Bless you
Orenda I am praying you are able to find a counselor in your area who is the perfect fit in all aspects. Blessings to you girl!
Orenda, I hope and pray that you’ll find someone wise that you can talk with. Blessings on you and your husband.
Eva
Wow, Stephanie. Thank you for this incredibly brave and real post. Having been a rape victim, I so get every word you wrote. It is so hard and not something people want to talk about. Thank you for validating our feelings but more than that thank you for giving us practical wisdom and real Hope. I pray many women will find FREEDOM through your post today. Thank you, Jesus, for sweet Stephanie and for her willingness so share and be vulnerable with such a hard topic. Bless her obedience!!
Love you,
Wendy
Thank you Wendy! And your sweet prayer brings me to tears. Love you girl, way big!!! Can’t wait to hug you again at She Speaks this year!!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. It was so nice to read your honest post (even though it did go to my spam folder). I lived a horrific childhood and escaped at 17 years old. I am now married with 6 children (yes, you have to have sex to get children) and I do still struggle. It leaves a great pain in my heart as my husband is devastated that I struggle so much with this. He is the kindest man ever and would never hurt me intentionally. I have done many years of counselling and have healed a great deal but with still a ways to go. I look forward to the day when I know in my heart of hearts that it’s ‘ok’ to be intimate. I think another problem is that we as christians have it so ingrained in us that it is wrong before marriage and then we have to change that way of thinking from before ‘I do’ to ‘let’s go’ after the ceremony. Lump that on top of abuse and you have a dysfunctional intimate life. I pray for every woman who struggles with this issue because it either makes or breaks a marriage. I am just so blessed that God has given me a gracious and patient man. He will receive a massive reward in heaven I can assure you!!!! Bless you all xxx
Praying with you girl, and I have no doubts your husband and children are blessed by you. Thank you for your kind, honest words.
Great post, Stephanie! Thanks for sharing your story with all of us. I am so glad to know you sought the help to recover from this trauma in your life and to make your marriage stronger. I sought counseling as I was going through the beginning stages of my divorced and I can honestly say it helped me a great deal. It helped reassure me I was making the right decision to end my marriage due to my circumstances after praying about it to God. I appreciated the fact that I could talk everything through in dealing with my situation with a licensed professional who was experienced in this area. I pray that God continues to strengthen your marriage wit Kevin and you have a great homelife with your family. Family is most important to me next to God. God Bless You!
Thanks girl! I loved my counseling experience…helped me so much and led me closer to the Lord and of course, closer in my marriage! Hugs!!!
Thank you for sharing your story. You are very brave.
Your welcome Barbara, it is such a blessing to be able to share with you all. Redemption is such a gift.
Thank you so much for speaking in this subject. I needed to hear something to hold on to for my future.
Your welcome Charlene. Thk u for your sweet comment. There is so much God had for you sweet sister. Keep seeking Him and following His lead. Blessings to you girl.