God seems silent lately. I’ve felt alone. I spent the last week doing home visits to places that no one should have to call home. I have prayed. I have gotten on my knees before The Lord and yet the silence stands still.
I try to have brave hands and keep working. I try to understand why we must endure this or that. The greater good of it all that lies just beyond my grasp of understanding.
And I haven’t felt up to writing, and so in my silent times with The Lord I have rather soaked up His rest. Mindful of my own depravity and resting in the grace.
My heart departs to lonely places seeking an inviting refuge of solace. And yet the pace will not let me and I am drawn into one more situation where I feel hopeless, lonely, and afraid.
And it’s not that I am helpless or hopeless. I am not. But my heart empathizes so deeply that I can’t help but feel sucked deeply into the pain I witness. Hearts are broken and I break myself again at the foot of the cross exhausted by the weight of so many hearts in continued pain. And so He gently reminds me this is not mine to carry. Even in this, with Him, peace remains.
Meditating on this verse throughout the week has brought my heart understanding…
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Romans 5:1-2
I am amazed that we have access to the throne room of grace. A place where we can safely stand and present our hearts, so deeply cleansed we need not fear judgement. We can stand by faith amidst His hope and glory even though our hearts may feel alone. Peace comes when we remember this. We are with Him. He is with us. That is our constant, unchanging, beautiful existence. Nothing is carried on our own.
I’m far from perfection. Miles away from adequacy. The glory and mercy of God is my only hope. But I must choose to depend on it rather than throwing my hands up in frustrated hopelessness. God’s justification is the ground where I stand. And my loneliness is a feeling rather than a manifestation of guilt and shame. Push through…and the light of the Son will shine on my face again. I will see Him and the purpose of a difficult week. So Lord here I stand, with You, hands open and ready for Your teaching.