If you asked me a few months ago if I was insecure, I would have said yes. If you ask me today, I might be more secure than I was a few months ago, but my answer would still be yes. Honestly, I don’t think there will be a point in my life that I will say no. And for the good or the bad, that’s just the way it is. It’s the way God wired me and I’m ok with that. This little bit of insecurity that I keep tucked under my belt is one of the most valuable things I have ever owned.
Sounds weird right? Because who wants to own something like insecurity? It’s uncomfortable, and sticky, and at its worst-induces panic. It can be a real pain in the butt. And for the longest time I thought…I’ll get out there, live my life, and do the things I’ve always wanted to do when this insecurity problem goes away. But until then, I just need to shame myself back into my bubble because what value is someone who struggles with insecurity anyways?
I felt that way for a long time. It was a really paralyzing feeling. I wanted to move on from where I was at, but not until I was more secure. However, I couldn’t ever feel secure because I felt so afraid and stuck. It was a vicious cycle. And it’s reared its ugly head a lot this week.
As I come up on a new journey, it would be really easy to step to the edge of the cliff, but never actually jump off. And not that I’m jumping off a cliff, but I am taking a big leap of faith, and sometimes I wonder if I am going to fly or splatter on the pavement. And insecurity screams: just step back to where it’s safe Stephanie! Who told you you were capable of this anyways? Are you crazy?
And I recognize the voice. It’s not God, it’s not me, and it’s not anyone that cares about me.
It’s fear, and if I know anything about fear, it’s that God did not give us a spirit of fear.
And what I desperately want you to know, and need to remind myself of, is that our thoughts and feelings aren’t always going to line up perfectly with the actions we need to take.
Sometimes we are going to be terrified, but it’s time to act anyways. Other times we are so over the top sad, but we know the best thing is to get out of the house and engage. Sometimes we will make the choice to forgive, but our heart is torn to shreds. Sometimes we feel incredibly insecure, but we move forward, and trust God to fill in the gaps.
I think I will always carry some amount of insecurity. And for the first time in my life, I’m okay with that. Because it keeps me humble, motivates me to learn, and gives me the desire to help people with a passion that might otherwise fade. It teaches me how to love people better. And God may never take insecurity away. But it won’t stop me from serving, nor does it need to stop you. Because at the end of the day, He is our one secure place and that is enough to bring us through even the toughest tomorrow.