If I know one thing about waiting, it is that waiting can peel away my hope.
With each day that passes by…a prayer seems to go unanswered…and my heart decides it wasn’t worth Him listening to in the first place. Silly me…why did I ever think God would listen to my measly meanderings. How could He care about my childish unimportant requests? Prayer was pointless. I should just move on.
Surprised that I have these thoughts? I’m not. Because it doesn’t matter who we are…counselor…Bible teacher…preacher of a mega-church…social service worker…fast food cook…teacher…physician…homeless man on the corner…we all have doubts. And in doubting our wandering heart leaves it’s home.
“But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you.” 1 Samuel 12:24 NIV
My heart’s home is in a place of fearful reverence. Not a terror based fear, or a painful fear, but a fear that knows I best get down on my knees and prepare for His confident blessings because I cannot hold them standing up. I must get close to the ground, face on the floor as to stabilize myself for the flood that is to come. I fear His greatness will overwhelm my sorrow and that I might not be able to take the passing by of His glory. That is the place of a heart at home.
Waiting does its job on peeling away my hope, but impatience and uncertainty stop dead in their tracks when faced with the goodness of our Lord. The things He has done in the past and the things He will do. The greatness of His sacrifice on the cross begun in a hay filled manger. Humble sacrifice of royalty risen before death ever brought the sting. The One who took my place, suffering, and bringing me to such fearful abiding love that I cannot yet take it in.
I do fear the Lord. I do fear that He does not hear me. But when I think about what actually happens if He does hear, I can barely move. The impatience and irritation of unmet expectations are more based in my fear of what His will might look if I let him completely have control.
Anxious impatience leaves me feeling sorry for myself. Uncertainty drowns out the meaning and purpose that could be learned from a time such as this. And so I choose to wait in different ways.
My heart need not wander in places where it will not find a home. Places of fear based in irreverence rather than trusting the mighty King who overwhelms me with the answers I cannot see. If I were to see each answer I could scarce take in the magnitude of His spotless plan. Selfish impatience desires to impart a rift between my hope and the greatness of our God, but I will choose hope in the Lord even when I cannot see.
His love is far too wide and deep for me to understand. I could not if I tried. And so I will lean whole heartedly into his unending mercy and grace. Trusting that his lips are never far from mine, speaking sweet mercies and blessings upon my heart and mind. He hears everything that springs forth. He sings blessings over me, and I sing blessings, honor, and glory back to Him. His hand with perfect timing embracing the wholeness of my heart with His majestic stream of knowledge…and hope is reborn waiting fearfully for the blessings far beyond my expectations.