when the dust settles, but not really…


Emotions rarely come in single form. I feel like it’s always a combo meal…a 1-2 punch. Sad-mad. Joy-fear. Anxious-excited.

And here I sit in this place I’ve always wanted. Happy-shameful? “You are undeserving” sits on my chest like a swamp thing, making my feels all murky.

Noticing the uncomfortable around me…I ask myself…how could a girl who has messed up this much deserve happy?

Things are far from perfect. A little voice says
maybe you should wait for life to get that way before you feel happy. Maybe you should still feel like a failure. Clearly things are not the way they should be. You should be sad or mad or at least disappointed until they reach the level that other people would say is okay. But I kind of just want to be happy with the way things are. And part of me, the self-compassionate part, thinks this is ok.

I once heard Brene Brown say that the emotion we are most afraid of feeling is joy. I think it’s true. Because the moment I feel joy, I can’t help but think something sad or stupid will come along and kick me in my happy ass. Then I’ll wonder why I let my guard down in the first place?

I know it’s silly to avoid feeling joy out of fear that it will inevitably cause sadness to embark on a one way journey. But I do it. And I think we all do it to some degree.

And then enters self-doubt. Who ever said I was good enough to be a therapist? Whoever decided my pain gets to be mended and she gets to struggle while addiction strangles out her last breath. Why did I get to heal? I certainly don’t deserve it. And why doesn’t she? Of course if have fought – but she has also?

I don’t have answers. Enter confused-peaceful. But I know that God does. There must be purpose and reason for all of this.

And so I sink-swim. Doing the best I can but knowing I mess up and God never expected perfection. When I feel competent at work I will most likely feel like a fish out of water at home, and vice versa.

And I sit tight the best I can in Galatians 5:22-23…

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

reminding myself that it’s okay to feel exactly what I feel. That good things are from God. And even though I can never deserve good things or meet up to a Holy expectation, it’s okay to let the Holy Spirit bring a harvest of love-happy even when life looks sad-bad.


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